OK, so suppose that you are really bored and want to learn something new about your music collection.  Suppose that you wanted that something new you learn to be completely trivial and of no real consequence.  You with me?  Good.  Then, try this.

Go into ITunes and alphabetize your entire collection by song title.  Yeah, 5000 songs from A to Z.  Trust me, you’ll learn something.  It’ll be something useless, but it’ll be something nonetheless.

(Actually, I didn’t think this up myself — it happened when my wife downloaded a work voice mail and it got dumped into ITunes on the computer and she could only find it by searching for “voice mail” under title.)

For example, you might discover that you have three songs entitled “Amsterdam” (Coldplay, Guster, Jon Dee Graham).  How about six songs called “Crazy” (Alana Davis, Barenaked Ladies, Gnarles Barkley, R.E.M., Seal, Tori Amos)?  Or, believe it or not, that you own two songs named “Everything’s Ruined” (Faith No More, Fountains of Wayne).

If you’re me, you might also find out that your Ipod is truly self-centered.  I’ve got 180 songs that start with a variation of “I” (not to mention the additional six songs that start with “me”).  This isn’t even to say how many songs are in first person generally.  This is compared to only 47 songs that start with a variation of the word “you”.

So what does this tell us.  That rock and pop songwriters are far more interested in themselves than anyone else?  Or that I gravitate to egotistical anthems?

At times, my Ipod just seems deeply confused.

I’m Not Sleeping (Counting Crows)
I’m Only Sleeping (The Beatles)

Really, really confused.

I’m A Ghost (Tegan and Sara)
I’m Alive (Ted Leo + Pharmacists)

Maybe it’s just a commitment-phobe.

I Love You (Barenaked Ladies)
I Love You (Sarah McLachlan)
I Think I Love You (Less Than Jake)
I Love You ‘Cause I Have To (Dogs Die In Hot Cars)
I Don’t Know Why I Love You (Ivy)
I Don’t Love You (My Chemical Romance)

Then again, being a writer, I look at the song titles and wonder if my Ipod is trying to help me with plot lines (mainly for bad Lifetime movies).

About a relationship ending badly:

I’m The Man Who Loves You (Wilco)
I’ll Never Turn My Back On You (Terrence Trent D’Arby)
I Can’t Be With You (The Cranberries)
I Didn’t See It Coming (Lloyd Cole)
I’m In Love With A German Film Star (Passions)
I Saw Her In The Anti War Demonstration (Jens Lenkman)
I’m Going To Stop Pretending That I Didn’t Break Your Heart (Eels)

About a guy struggling with his sexual identity:

I’m A Man (Pulp)
I Never Thought I Could Feel This Way For A Boy (The Scotland Yard Gospel Choir)
I Wish I Was A Girl (Counting Crows)
I’ve Changed (Josh Joplin Group)
I’m Not The Man (10,000 Maniacs)
I’m The Girl (Heather Nova)
I Am Anastasia (Sponge)

About a hooker with a heart of gold:

I Know What Boys Like (The Waitresses)
I’m Yours (Jason Mraz)
I Turn My Camera On (Spoon)
I Touch Myself (Divinyls)
I Want You To Want Me (Cheap Trick)
I Wanna Be Loved (Elvis Costello)
I’m Sensitive (Jewel)

Or possibly the criminal reformation tale:

I’ve Been High (R.E.M.)
I Fought The Law (The Clash)
I Don’t Remember (Peter Gabriel)
I Can See Clearly Now (Johnny Nash)
I Confess (English Beat)
I Did It (Dave Matthews Band)
I Shot The Sheriff (Bob Marley)

So what did we really learn? Pretty much that I have way too much time on my hands. Of course, I’m not done with my alphabetization fixation. Next up: My Angry Ipod (or songs that start with can’t, won’t, shouldn’t and don’t).